Pigs Are Smarter Than...

Pigs are smarter than dogs.  When they're being slaughtered, you can hear them screaming:  "Please, no!"

Congress is making it legal to eat horse.  I say we should eat whatever we have too much of.

I don't understand how some cultures can worship cows.  They're so stupid, so fat...  so delicious.

I can, however, understand why ancient Egyptians worshiped cats.  Their aloofness makes them seem smart and majestic.  Personally, I think cats are the Alzheimer sufferers of the animal kingdom.

I can even understand worshiping animals that are strong and can kill you.  But cows?  No.

Was that, like, two years ago?  I think I saw that.

Yessir Arabcat.

President Obama has brokered a peace deal between cats and dogs who have fought and hated each other for thousands of years.

I tried crying, it didn't work, but you never know.

Bill Clinton was my political mentor.  If there's one thing I learned from Clinton, it was that if you give a prostitute money to go buy drugs...  she won't come back.

     thethingaboutwomen.blogspot.com

Aroma Therapy For Women

Money--an aphrodisiac
     Just wave a few twenty dollar bills under her nose to catch the scent and watch her come to life.  (Coins have no effect.  Neither do dollar bills, unless you're at a strip club.)

Fur--power
     It makes her want to be around one of those type of men who are born every minute.

Make-up--old age
     Coming fast at her like a diesal truck going downhill without any brakes.  It better be love, because she's not going to get better looking as she gets older.

Housework--revulsion
     She loves a clean house.  As long as someone else is doing the cleaning.

Cooking--revulsion
     She prefers eating out.  But don't expect her to pull out her wallet.

Husband's Paycheck--hunger
     Makes her want to gobble up as much of it as she possibly can.  After marriage, it becomes the only thing she's willing to blow.

New Shoes--hoarding
     The only thing she loves more than a new pair of shoes is a...

Diamond--sex
     You gave it to her, now she knows she's got to give it to you.

New Baby Smell--security
     She knows she has her hold over her a man for all eternity.

Pussy--discomfort
     A smell she wants her husband to become less and less familiar with.  Especially her own. 

New Pussy--ignorance
     A woman doesn't mind her man cheating on her, she minds finding out he's cheating on her.

The Afterglow

Ten Things A Woman Says Before Or After Sex

1.  What do you mean it's already in?

2.  In order for size not to matter...  you would actually have to have some size.

3.  Are you still here?

4.  I've never liked you.  Just kidding.  No, I'm not.

5.  If you left now, you wouldn't have to hurry home.

6.  I'm not saying it's your fault, but it sure isn't my fault.

7.  Funny, but you didn't look that out of shape with your clothes on.

8.  "Quickly"?  Oh...  now I get it.

9.  It's a good thing all I have to do is lay here.

10.  The only thing that would've made this a perfect evening is your not being here.

Cafe Skin

She was as cream-filled as a snack cake.

Like a swimming little furry animal.

"Innocence" is very tedious and tiresome when it's not genuine.

She was so dumb, that when her daughter was born she saw the umbilica cord and said "Look!  It comes with cable!"

Male Enhancement.  When you're man enough to admit you're not man enough.

I was as unwelcome as Ted Bundy at a cheerleader sleep-over.

I called her Peanut Butter, 'cause her legs were brown, smooth, and easy to spread.

Her morals were as functional as Bob Doles right hand.

You know what I like in a woman?  Me.

I'm gonna hit you so hard, your future son's going to be born with a dent in his head.

Male Enhancement

Male Enhancement:  When you're man enough to admit you're not man enough.

I was as unwelcome as Ted Bundy at a sororiety mixer.

Peanut Butter Legs:  brown, smooth, and easy to spread.

Your pussy works about as good as Bob Dole's arm.

You know what I like in a woman?  Me.

I'm gonna hit you so hard, when you wake up your clothes are going to be out of style.

Her pussy is easier to get into than a community college.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I have to kill in the process.

I've always found it curious that many will argue that God is a woman, but no one will dispute that the Devil is a man.

Oxytocin/Female - Vasopressin/Male

All This Must Pass

I'm ill.

You  da man, ma'am.

This too shall pass.

"I want a lawyer."
     "I bet you do."

You're working on your marriage?  Let me know when you take a little time off.

"20% success rate of conviction."
     "Drug killings."

I'm not jealous.  I'm happy.  (For you.)

Live by the dope.  Die by the gun.

A night time with Venus.  A lifetime with Mercury.

You're one hot little piece of chicken.

Shave A Little...

Shave a little.  I could grow potatoes in there.

I don't call them wives.  I call them slaves.

I don't like having sex with any of my ex-wives.  How can I fuck and keep one hand on my wallet at the same time.

I showed up later than Snooki's period.

If Adam knew how much trouble women were going to be, he would have left her back in Eden.

The only thing worse than a bad piece of ass, is NO piece of ass.

I'll ride you like a moped.

...owah  ...tenaz  ...siam

A piece of raw liver in my fist couldn't have fit me better.

Horny little hooch.