I'm Going To Wish You...

I'm going to wish you all the luck I usually reserve for myself.

So where was I this past week?  You wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

I'd wear that ass like a hat.

Two in the pink, one in the stink.

Saliva House Publishing
     "This book makes me wish I never learned to read."
     "Why is this book wet?"

Smegma House Publishing
     "What's that smell?"

My dick is so big, my ex-wife cut it off before she left me, and I still had enough left over to win a who's-got-the-biggest-dick contest.

I don't like giving names to things.  That means I accept it.

I don't like giving names to things.  That means I'm comfortable with it.

Russian Rape Machine.

Obama Sez...

Obama: "I've just read a book that made a lot of sense."

"The Secret." 

"If you speak it, it will come true."

"One word equals one job."

"I'm going to give a lot of speeches with a lot of words so I can create a lot of jobs."

"And I'm not going to stop until theres a job for every man, woman, and child."

"Except minorities."

"According to quantum physics, the mere act of looking at something or speaking at or about something changes it."

"So I'm gonna take a good, hard look at the economy..."

"...and keep on talking until it gets better."

My Dad Had A Jab...

My dad had a jab that was so fast you wouldn't see it until he was pulling back.

That's insanity sauce.

The pillar of the community is just the guy who didn't get caught.

I don't complain about any psychological damage my parents may have cause me, because I know I've caused them more.

"Who believes in superstitions?  'Step on a crack, break your mother's back'?  I mean, c'mon."
     "I don't know, when I stepped on her crack, I broke your mother's back."

What if God treated humans like pet dogs?

Make driving more dangerous to make drivers drive more safely.  Instead of seatbelts, we should have metal spikes sticking out of the steering wheel.

As a kid, all you had to do to get out of trouble was act confused.

Gone cruisin'  Still boozin'  Lalapaloozin'

And that, my friend, is the snap, crackle, and pop of women.

The Only Problem...

The only problem with the Catholic Churchis that the altar boys won't keep their mouths shut.

How did Reverand Jim Jones convince his followers to commit suicide?  I can't even convince my wife to try anal sex.

Not the land of milk and honey, but the land of milk-skinned honeys.

The last time I saw balls that big, it was rolling after Indiana Jones.

Men can fuck a girl even while crying over the one they just broke up with.

Don't love me because of who I am.  Love me despite who I am.

All balls, no brains.

I'm fucking CArol on the outside, but I'm fucking Lisa on the inside.

"She's a pig."
"I like pigs."

Columbus left to discover America to get away from a nagging wife and crying children.

Building Freeways...

If you build freeways that need to be expanded no sooner than when they're done...  you might be an El Pasoan.

Leave them wanting less.

Still empty inside.

The time is coming when summer will ask your body what you've been doing all winter.

Duchene For President!  On the Surprise Party ticket.

I think it depends on the country you're in, and the laws they've passed, and who you hand the paperbag filled with money to.

If dolphins and whales are so smart, then why haven't they figured out to stay away from the Japanese?

I'm healthy as a horse, as long as it's a very sick horse.

I'm healthy as a horse, if it's one of those dead horses from HBO's canceled drama "Luck."

I'm healthy as a horse, if it's that horse's head from "The Godfather."

     thethingaboutwomen.blogspot.com

You Won't Enjoy Yourself

You won't enjoy yourself.  Your heart will break, and you'll sit around masturbating to thoughts of her.  And if you don't, I will.

It's not true that if you Google NAMBLA a picture of Michael Jackson comes up.

I don't understand how someone can be harrassed to the point they want to take their own life.  I can understand, however, how someone can be harrassed to the point they want to take someone else's life.  Primarily, the life of the one doing the harrassing.

No amount of bullying should lead to someone killing themselves.  It should lead to that someone killing someone else.

You want to sit at the "cool" table at school?  Here's how you do it:  You pick a table, sit down, and then decide that's the cool table.

In the animal kingdom, the male of the species is prettier and more colorful.  Why isn't the female of the species as pretty or as colorful?  Because she has the pussy.

In the animal kingdom, it's only in the human species that the female is prettier than the male.

In the animal kingdom, the female might be prettier, but she's physically inferior, and, without the male to protect her and provide for her, she would soon become extinct.

Made from the finest polyester imported from Italy.

Every woman he meets he thinks she wants him.

The Problem With Women  @
     thethingaboutwomen.blogspot.com
          jimduchene.blogspot.com
               @JimDuchene

Pigs Are Smarter Than...

Pigs are smarter than dogs.  When they're being slaughtered, you can hear them screaming:  "Please, no!"

Congress is making it legal to eat horse.  I say we should eat whatever we have too much of.

I don't understand how some cultures can worship cows.  They're so stupid, so fat...  so delicious.

I can, however, understand why ancient Egyptians worshiped cats.  Their aloofness makes them seem smart and majestic.  Personally, I think cats are the Alzheimer sufferers of the animal kingdom.

I can even understand worshiping animals that are strong and can kill you.  But cows?  No.

Was that, like, two years ago?  I think I saw that.

Yessir Arabcat.

President Obama has brokered a peace deal between cats and dogs who have fought and hated each other for thousands of years.

I tried crying, it didn't work, but you never know.

Bill Clinton was my political mentor.  If there's one thing I learned from Clinton, it was that if you give a prostitute money to go buy drugs...  she won't come back.

     thethingaboutwomen.blogspot.com

Aroma Therapy For Women

Money--an aphrodisiac
     Just wave a few twenty dollar bills under her nose to catch the scent and watch her come to life.  (Coins have no effect.  Neither do dollar bills, unless you're at a strip club.)

Fur--power
     It makes her want to be around one of those type of men who are born every minute.

Make-up--old age
     Coming fast at her like a diesal truck going downhill without any brakes.  It better be love, because she's not going to get better looking as she gets older.

Housework--revulsion
     She loves a clean house.  As long as someone else is doing the cleaning.

Cooking--revulsion
     She prefers eating out.  But don't expect her to pull out her wallet.

Husband's Paycheck--hunger
     Makes her want to gobble up as much of it as she possibly can.  After marriage, it becomes the only thing she's willing to blow.

New Shoes--hoarding
     The only thing she loves more than a new pair of shoes is a...

Diamond--sex
     You gave it to her, now she knows she's got to give it to you.

New Baby Smell--security
     She knows she has her hold over her a man for all eternity.

Pussy--discomfort
     A smell she wants her husband to become less and less familiar with.  Especially her own. 

New Pussy--ignorance
     A woman doesn't mind her man cheating on her, she minds finding out he's cheating on her.

The Afterglow

Ten Things A Woman Says Before Or After Sex

1.  What do you mean it's already in?

2.  In order for size not to matter...  you would actually have to have some size.

3.  Are you still here?

4.  I've never liked you.  Just kidding.  No, I'm not.

5.  If you left now, you wouldn't have to hurry home.

6.  I'm not saying it's your fault, but it sure isn't my fault.

7.  Funny, but you didn't look that out of shape with your clothes on.

8.  "Quickly"?  Oh...  now I get it.

9.  It's a good thing all I have to do is lay here.

10.  The only thing that would've made this a perfect evening is your not being here.

Cafe Skin

She was as cream-filled as a snack cake.

Like a swimming little furry animal.

"Innocence" is very tedious and tiresome when it's not genuine.

She was so dumb, that when her daughter was born she saw the umbilica cord and said "Look!  It comes with cable!"

Male Enhancement.  When you're man enough to admit you're not man enough.

I was as unwelcome as Ted Bundy at a cheerleader sleep-over.

I called her Peanut Butter, 'cause her legs were brown, smooth, and easy to spread.

Her morals were as functional as Bob Doles right hand.

You know what I like in a woman?  Me.

I'm gonna hit you so hard, your future son's going to be born with a dent in his head.

Male Enhancement

Male Enhancement:  When you're man enough to admit you're not man enough.

I was as unwelcome as Ted Bundy at a sororiety mixer.

Peanut Butter Legs:  brown, smooth, and easy to spread.

Your pussy works about as good as Bob Dole's arm.

You know what I like in a woman?  Me.

I'm gonna hit you so hard, when you wake up your clothes are going to be out of style.

Her pussy is easier to get into than a community college.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I have to kill in the process.

I've always found it curious that many will argue that God is a woman, but no one will dispute that the Devil is a man.

Oxytocin/Female - Vasopressin/Male

All This Must Pass

I'm ill.

You  da man, ma'am.

This too shall pass.

"I want a lawyer."
     "I bet you do."

You're working on your marriage?  Let me know when you take a little time off.

"20% success rate of conviction."
     "Drug killings."

I'm not jealous.  I'm happy.  (For you.)

Live by the dope.  Die by the gun.

A night time with Venus.  A lifetime with Mercury.

You're one hot little piece of chicken.

Shave A Little...

Shave a little.  I could grow potatoes in there.

I don't call them wives.  I call them slaves.

I don't like having sex with any of my ex-wives.  How can I fuck and keep one hand on my wallet at the same time.

I showed up later than Snooki's period.

If Adam knew how much trouble women were going to be, he would have left her back in Eden.

The only thing worse than a bad piece of ass, is NO piece of ass.

I'll ride you like a moped.

...owah  ...tenaz  ...siam

A piece of raw liver in my fist couldn't have fit me better.

Horny little hooch.

Questioning The Suspect

Whenever a couple has a problem, the man's solution is always to ignore it.

Don't let marriage get in the way of a good time.

It was the Goddess Nike who said:  "Just do it."

It's people with opinions like yours that make me glad in-breeding isn't a common practice.

My divorce was like the Civil War.  Long, bitter, costly...  but in the end I was a free man.

Bill Z. Bubb, Louis Cypher, Richard Sukker, Bob Oso.

A man who wouldn't cheat for a poke, doesn't want one bad enough.

I reckon he never had a poke he didn't have to milk first.

Quit going to San Francisco for your prostate exams.

What do you mean by saying that the best part about drinking and driving is the breathalyser test?

Her Cookie

As loose as the hole between my ex-wife's legs.

She could suck the pork from a pig.

Body by Butterball.

Man, some of my ex-wife's sisters look hot.

If you look at another girl, and think you'd like to do her...  you're not ready.

Who knew that after you got married your libido would still work?

So, when you go down on her...  how do I taste?

Next thing you know, you're on the linoleum.

Loose as a goose with no juice.

My balls were hanging like the breasts of a 90 year-old hooker.